Autism and studies

The story about may studies and how I wanted to be a professional in something is along and moving story for me and I think I’m not the only one. Lots of people with mental vunerabilities are having a hard time to fit in and to look for their ‘thing’. In this blog I’m talking about the pain, stress, stigmatization I’ve experienced during the years.

Theater

I was 18 when I started art school. I wanted to become a drama teacher and in the Netherlands it means you go to art school and art school means you need to go through a selection and I made it and could start in september. I was I think way too young and naively I said that I was diagnosed with autism ‘no problem’. Till the day that a teacher wanted to talk with us as a class. And said that he wanted to talk about me. ”What are you doing? I can’t reach you! You are so strange! What is wrong with you? I don’t want you to have in my less anymore”. As a preacher men who is having a sermon he carried on how aweful I was as student. I did nothing wrong, I didn’t steal, called names, abused or assaulted someone. I was just off and he couldn’t handle. When I said that I have autism he said: ‘people like you don’t belong here, there aren’t medications of it? Go away’.

I needed to stop with what I loved most, the only thing I was in my opinion my best talent. The student counselor asked me if I could draw very well, or play an instrument and become good in that because oy va voy… An autist as a drama teacher? I felt so betrayed and hurt. Then my mother and others said that I might need to do social studies.

From Social studies to university

People always found it cute how I could help the elderly or the people with a mental impairment. Children were also a good match. So I started pedagogics, I was really good in theory and in my internships but I failed in communication methods and groups dynamics. Which also made me to feel I was really odd and because people knew I had autism it was always the reason why things failed or weren’t good enough. I got to hear I needed to stop, when my classmates went to parties and came to class still drunk the teachers were way more busy with me and the dark circles underneath my eyes. ”Do I sleep well? I’m a not to exhausted can I go on with the studies? Isn’t too heavy for me?”. It’s true I have always dark circles underneath my eyes, I need to use lots of foundation and concealer to make me more awake, I really want to use fillers but I don’t want to spend 500 euro on that. What also happened was that there was a lot of emphasizing and stigmatization on my behaviour and personality. For instance, I’m an introvert person myself and I got called on that as that I’m not ‘social enough’. Or that I’m not ready.

Once I needed to have an internship, it was when I studied drama therapy. My teachers matched me with this organization for providing drama lessons for youngsters with Down Syndrome and the like. They didn’t want me because I was not ready and safe enough for their clients. During the interview I’ve heard that my teachers were already discussing me behind my back about me being able to do an internship. I already succeed twice an internship!
In that time I was also little by little becoming frum and I’ve heard that I might be a good fit for the orthodox Jewish school. I’ve called the headmaster of this school and he was enthusastic but he said ‘discuss with your school first’ and I did and I got to hear that I was way to intense busy with this subject and that it was literally preoccupied with Judaism. So wanting to become frum felt for me that it was an interest caused by autism. So for instance whole Williamsburg is autistic? I was kinda of done by the stigmatization and also the self stigmatization which caused for me such pain that I decided to go to university.

At the university I felt really nice and I was really good in the beginning but when the theory became more intense it was really hard to grasp. Statistics? A diaster as the same to use them in sociology or psychology, I find it really hard to handle. With a coach/mentor I’m now looking what will be a good fit for me.

So you are going to do IT?

No, the assumption that I’m a miracle as the Kryias Yam Suf with computers is really hurtful. The same that I’m as Einstein blessed with the talent of physics, or that I excel mathematics is totally fasle. I wish sometimes I had these talents so I wouldn’t be that burden. I’ve been hurt and misunderstood a lot, and it left me with a cynical worldview. I want to know what my thing is and when I talk with my mentor we are totally seeing that I love to work with children and people with a lower IQ. But I’m still anxious about my student loans, and the fact that a college will totally not accepting me because I’m autistic. It feels that I’m a arsonist who wants to become a fireman.